A Good Reason To Drink!

Finally a reason to get totally blitzed that I can understand.
I'm not sure which one scares me the most, no, wait, it's the one pointing upwards!

True Fortune Cookies.

Wedding Visions.

Some women dream of getting married in the almost meringue like white dress and then leaving on a horse.

A beautiful, romantic dream?

Yes.

The reality is..........

Not quite the same!

Then there's the romantic honeymoon.
The groom in bathing trunks, walking on the golden sand, skin a golden tan, muscles rippling as he wades in the inviting, blue sea.
Or
The reality which is sadly more like

Anyone else think he must be loaded?

The shirt with the most

Now, I'm all for gay men (and I don't mean the happy type of gay) stepping out from the closet and feeling comfortable enough with who they are to be to be able to act naturally in public

BUT

I think wearing a pink shirt with garish flowers on his cuffs is a tad too much.

Letter To My Bank Manager.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.

2 - To query a missing payment.

3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.

9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Wedding Activities.

I thought this sort of thing stopped once you got married.

Why?

I never have been and never will be a fashionista or a style icon, fashion and me will never even be acquaintances. Colours that should be worn when and with what, styles, mini, maxi, a-line (what?) are all well beyond me. A pair of jeans is a pair of jeans, something comfy that I wear to leave the house and cover my bits nothing to do with making a "statement".
I cannot see the sense in spending a fortune on an item of clothing which I wouldn't be able to wear within three months because it's dated and out of style. I could buy seven or eight pairs of jeans from a charity shop for the same price as one cheap fashionable pair and wear them for years with no worries about what I look like.

BUT

Even I know this outfit is just plain wrong and really for a red carpet event being worn by a "celebrity" I'm flummoxed.
This makes me glad I'm not fashionable.

Blog Talking About Jokes.

Time for another writing prompt:

Jokes.
What is a joke to you?
What do you find funny?
Do you appreciate a good practical joke, or do you think practical jokes are cruel?
What is the best joke you’ve ever played on someone.
What is the best joke you’ve ever heard?

I'm not one of those people that find the latest comedy series that everyone is talking about funny. Like the tv show "Friends" at best I would now and again raise a slight smile. I find most comedies are too contrived or the situations are just too far fetched. Many comedies and jokes in real life are directed at people and hurt the victims feelings. That isn't funny to me. Too much so called humour stops only just a smidge short of being downright nasty. There are jokes about looks, weight, disabilities, sexual orientation, gender, race, colour on many shows nowadays and I tend to feel for the person being made fun of too much to ever find it funny.

I find things that are funny without degrading a person or a race etc funny although I have to admit seeing someone hurt themselves or trip (without serious injury) can have me crying with laughter but I'm just nasty like that. There was a tv show in the 80's called "The Golden Girls" about four senior ladies who shared a house, it was one of the funniest shows ever and although the comedy was aimed at each one of the characters it was never nasty. We need more of that type of humour nowadays.

If the jokes shown on tv and in real life took other peoples feelings into account and weren't made at the expense of someone else then maybe those tv shows would help show the kids of today how it is possible to have fun without obliterating someones self esteem or hurting them.
Maybe just maybe (although I may be being idealistic here) it would help give the younger members of society a bit more respect for others and slowly but surely filter through so that we would all think of others just a bit more, learn how to be fun and funny and not go for getting the laugh or that level of popularity at the expense of others.

Views Of Marriage.

Husband and wife.....

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

Morning After Advert.

I couldn't figure out how to place this video clip on here so I've just given you the link to it.
This is an Australian ad campaign that is one of the best ads I've ever seen.
It's funny, surprising and should ring a bell (however slightly) with many teenagers today.
I can't see it ever being shown on U.S or U.K tv channels, not even on Sky or cable which is a real shame and quite frankly our loss.

Please click here to see it.

Boris - The Buffoon Tribute Song

Future Transaction.

This is an article by Oliver Pritchett. it's meant to be funny but as it is becoming more and more possible the humour is transforming into worry.
It's taken from the U.K newspaper The Daily Telegraph

The article in it's original context can be read here


A government stealth warning
By Oliver Pritchett


What could possibly lead you to believe that we might sell cigarettes in this establishment? This is a carpet warehouse, as all may plainly see, and, as usual, only a few days remain before our sensational bargain sale must end. Yes, I am well aware that Dawn Primarolo, the Minister of State for Public Health, wants to ban the display of cigarettes in shops, but I cannot see how this would affect us here, as we are merely dedicated purveyors of superior shag pile.

So a friend sent you? And he suggested you might ask for a nice healthy orange, making those curious inverted comma signs with your fingers. I suppose I might be able to help you there. Would that be a low tar or a medium tar orange? Tipped or untipped? With the purple skin? And would you like it to come in 20 or 10 segments? There you are, sir, and here's a box of matches, in case you wish to set fire to your orange.

Is there anything else I can help you with today? We do have a nice selection of hearth rugs. A packet of ready-salted crisps? Good heavens! Does such an item even exist in this day and age? I believe it is still possible to buy a packet of salted nuts, but you have to be accompanied by a responsible person, such as a JP, a bank official, a member of the clergy or a GP, and you must have proof of age and proof of your address in the form of a bank statement or two recent utilities bills.

But ready-salted crisps? You've really stumped me there. Perhaps if you looked in that box over there, the one marked "Extremely Sensible Toothbrushes", you might see something to interest you. I'll be looking the other way, studying my pattern book and admiring our range of classic Axminsters. If you do happen to find something in the box to suit you, just leave the money next to the till. Any sum you feel is appropriate, bearing in mind the scarcity.

There's something else, is there? I'm sorry, sir, I can't make out what you are muttering. Whisper it to me. I get it - a white loaf. And there's something special about this white loaf. Rhymes with "enticed". Ooh, sir, that really is a tricky one. It's really hard to lay one's hands on an enticed white loaf these days. The wholemeal police are everywhere and they're cracking down.

What I can do for you, seeing that you're a good customer, is write a little note to a certain friend of mine. Take this note and go down the street, then turn left into the alley by the recycling bins and you should see a tall thin man with a short fat dog.

You say to this man, "I'm glad I'm not in Basingstoke on a day like this." If he replies, "I had an aunt who lived in Basingstoke and she said they had lovely sunsets," you know you've got the right chap. That's Cholesterol Bob. Give him this note and he may be able to accommodate you. And, by the way, Cholesterol Bob can put a nice bit of excessive wasteful packaging your way, if you feel you'd like some. A lot of my clients go to him for their excessive packaging needs.

Before you go, sir, there's something I'd like to mention. I can tell you are a man of the world and I thought you might be interested in a little intimate revue we put on in the back of the warehouse on Saturday nights. It's all very tasteful and artistic. What happens is we turn on a switch and there's this light with an old-style, short-life, high-energy 60-watt bulb.

Completely naked. And for any gentlemen who have a taste for something a little stronger, we also do a 100-watt bulb. Just thought I'd mention it. If you're interested, go to the back door on Saturday night, give two slow knocks and three quick ones and when they answer, just ask for Pearl.



Wait a minute. Act perfectly normally and don't look up. I just spotted Dawn Primarolo outside the window. Pretend you're looking at the book of carpet samples. Keep nodding, look interested.

You see this is quality carpet, sir. Lovely tufting work. The pattern is swirly and bold, so you'd need some really forceful curtaining to balance it and a flowery sofa cover would be completely lost.

OK, I think Dawn has gone now. She's been around a lot lately because there are reports of chocolate dealing going on quite openly in this street.

One more thing before you go, sir. I've got something that would suit a person of discernment such as your good self. It's very rare, a collector's item, in fact. There you are, sir - a photograph of a doughnut. Full colour and gloss finish. Very realistic, very detailed. Look at that icing sugar. As you are such a good customer, I can let you have it for £80, but you've got to promise not to show it to anyone under the age of 18.

Eye see pain!

I can't believe I'm blogging this so let's just never discuss the icky bits again okgoodbyenow

I've had terrible diarrhoea today, the type that is pure liquid and that you can't hold in no matter what.
I've had this for a couple of days now along with heartburn & a spot blazing like a belisha beacon right on the edge of my nostril.

you can see why my fella stays with me it's my sexyness and attractiveness obviously. What do you mean? No? Why not? lol!

Well, on about my eleventy-hundredth trip to the loo I not quite make it to the loo which is degrading and bad enough but I also.............

let's not mention the fact I didn't make it ever again please? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top?

Somehow I either stood up and fell or I blacked out and fell, I have no memory of it at all but I was on the ground with blood gushing out my eye.
It looks like I may have hit the bathroom door with my eye.
Blood was gushing everywhere but on the plus side I'd stopped pooing.
Yay me

Robin heard the thud / crash / deafening bump and came racing up the stairs to the loo only to find me sprawled on the floor wearing soiled pants around my ankles and gushing blood out of my eye

it's never, ever boring living with me I tell ya!

So we both get me cleaned up and stop the gushing, geyser that is currently my eye.
This involves lot's of cold water, pressure and the headache from hell (the kind of headache that Britney would be if she was spokeswoman for La Senza or Prozac).

I've been fine since no toilet stops or slips / blackouts. No double vision, just a mega headache that runs from my eyebrow to my jaw.

I could have fun with this black eye though. My fella is tall and broad and I'm sure people will think he did it but it's not something to play on. It happens to too many women daily for me to ever make fun of domestic violence. So, I'll tell the truth (minus the poop bit obviously) and lap up and sympathy I can get.

Sympathy can be donated in the form of cold, hard cash by phoning 0987givemeall.
All donations gratefully accepted, none refused.

AND how was YOUR day?
lol

Easter? Noooooooo!!!!!

The MOST EVIL Easter Bunny ever!



And what is that decapitated foot doing on the floor to the left?

Why? Who? Where? When?

Why would anyone wear these?

If it's cold enough for boots then why would you want your toes to brave the freezing cold or even worse the ice cold rain?
If it's hot enough for open toed footwear then why would you want to encase your ankles in leather so they become sweaty and uncomfortable.

Who would wear these?

You would have to be a "real" fashion victim to wear these and also not mind either sweaty, hot ankles or freezing cold and wet toes.

Where would anyone wear these>

I can't imagine these being worn anywhere but on the runway. The cold, discomfort or the sweaty, heat would be a big no-no for most of us. Surely?

When would you wear these?

I can't imagine a time I would wear these. I can't imagine anyone wearing these off-stage or catwalk. I guess the answer is never unless you know different?

Idiots Guide To Life.

The Idiots Guide To Life.

Don't eat rocks.

Don't take naps in the road.

Don't stoke fires with your fingers.

Don't throw a brick straight up.

If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.

Give me all your money.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.

Give me all your money.

The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.

If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.

Don't flip off the Mafia.

If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.

Give me all your money.

Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.

Don't shave with a lawn mower.

Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.

Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.

Give me all your money.

The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.

Sell at most one of your kidneys.

Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.

Don't bathe in gasoline.

Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.

Give me all your money.

Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.

If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.

Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.

Give me all your money.

Elvis is dead. Get over it.

Wear clothes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

Give me all your money.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Massage With A Fist ummmmm No Thanks.

Electronic Massager.

There are many "electronic massage" devices for sale in shops today from supermarkets to lingerie shops which says something about the varied uses these are used for.
This one is particularly worrying, after all it's a fist and well, most people have heard of so called (I'm extremely dubious) erotic acts involving fists.

I think I'll give this gadget a miss. Not only would I not use it in any way (I can't stress that enough) but I couldn't bring myself to buy one either. Not even with a paper bag over my head while wearing camouflage or anonymously online.

Some things are better off just not being bought, used or thought of.

The Bloke Song.

I think this is an aussie song mainly because it fits the aussie man stereotype.
I like it and hope you do too.

Coolness

Were you cool when you were at school?

Are you cool now?

Are you so cool all your kids friends wish you were their mum?

Click here and take the test to find out how cool you are.

**

Robin, be aware the results are frighteningly accurate!

French Victories (?)

You have to do this quick before the all-seeing Google fix it.

1.) Start with a Google search

2.) Type in "french military victories", but without the
quote marks.

3.) Instead of hitting "Search," hit "I'm feeling
Lucky."

4.) Have a good laugh at the expense of an entire nation...hey, they eat rich foods and stay slim, they deserve the occasional smack-down.

5.) Tell your friends before the people at Google fix it.