Idiots Guide To Life.

The Idiots Guide To Life.

Don't eat rocks.

Don't take naps in the road.

Don't stoke fires with your fingers.

Don't throw a brick straight up.

If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.

Give me all your money.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.

Give me all your money.

The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.

If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.

Don't flip off the Mafia.

If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.

Give me all your money.

Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.

Don't shave with a lawn mower.

Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.

Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.

Give me all your money.

The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.

Sell at most one of your kidneys.

Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.

Don't bathe in gasoline.

Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.

Give me all your money.

Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.

If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.

Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.

Give me all your money.

Elvis is dead. Get over it.

Wear clothes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

Give me all your money.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.