Future Transaction.

This is an article by Oliver Pritchett. it's meant to be funny but as it is becoming more and more possible the humour is transforming into worry.
It's taken from the U.K newspaper The Daily Telegraph

The article in it's original context can be read here


A government stealth warning
By Oliver Pritchett


What could possibly lead you to believe that we might sell cigarettes in this establishment? This is a carpet warehouse, as all may plainly see, and, as usual, only a few days remain before our sensational bargain sale must end. Yes, I am well aware that Dawn Primarolo, the Minister of State for Public Health, wants to ban the display of cigarettes in shops, but I cannot see how this would affect us here, as we are merely dedicated purveyors of superior shag pile.

So a friend sent you? And he suggested you might ask for a nice healthy orange, making those curious inverted comma signs with your fingers. I suppose I might be able to help you there. Would that be a low tar or a medium tar orange? Tipped or untipped? With the purple skin? And would you like it to come in 20 or 10 segments? There you are, sir, and here's a box of matches, in case you wish to set fire to your orange.

Is there anything else I can help you with today? We do have a nice selection of hearth rugs. A packet of ready-salted crisps? Good heavens! Does such an item even exist in this day and age? I believe it is still possible to buy a packet of salted nuts, but you have to be accompanied by a responsible person, such as a JP, a bank official, a member of the clergy or a GP, and you must have proof of age and proof of your address in the form of a bank statement or two recent utilities bills.

But ready-salted crisps? You've really stumped me there. Perhaps if you looked in that box over there, the one marked "Extremely Sensible Toothbrushes", you might see something to interest you. I'll be looking the other way, studying my pattern book and admiring our range of classic Axminsters. If you do happen to find something in the box to suit you, just leave the money next to the till. Any sum you feel is appropriate, bearing in mind the scarcity.

There's something else, is there? I'm sorry, sir, I can't make out what you are muttering. Whisper it to me. I get it - a white loaf. And there's something special about this white loaf. Rhymes with "enticed". Ooh, sir, that really is a tricky one. It's really hard to lay one's hands on an enticed white loaf these days. The wholemeal police are everywhere and they're cracking down.

What I can do for you, seeing that you're a good customer, is write a little note to a certain friend of mine. Take this note and go down the street, then turn left into the alley by the recycling bins and you should see a tall thin man with a short fat dog.

You say to this man, "I'm glad I'm not in Basingstoke on a day like this." If he replies, "I had an aunt who lived in Basingstoke and she said they had lovely sunsets," you know you've got the right chap. That's Cholesterol Bob. Give him this note and he may be able to accommodate you. And, by the way, Cholesterol Bob can put a nice bit of excessive wasteful packaging your way, if you feel you'd like some. A lot of my clients go to him for their excessive packaging needs.

Before you go, sir, there's something I'd like to mention. I can tell you are a man of the world and I thought you might be interested in a little intimate revue we put on in the back of the warehouse on Saturday nights. It's all very tasteful and artistic. What happens is we turn on a switch and there's this light with an old-style, short-life, high-energy 60-watt bulb.

Completely naked. And for any gentlemen who have a taste for something a little stronger, we also do a 100-watt bulb. Just thought I'd mention it. If you're interested, go to the back door on Saturday night, give two slow knocks and three quick ones and when they answer, just ask for Pearl.



Wait a minute. Act perfectly normally and don't look up. I just spotted Dawn Primarolo outside the window. Pretend you're looking at the book of carpet samples. Keep nodding, look interested.

You see this is quality carpet, sir. Lovely tufting work. The pattern is swirly and bold, so you'd need some really forceful curtaining to balance it and a flowery sofa cover would be completely lost.

OK, I think Dawn has gone now. She's been around a lot lately because there are reports of chocolate dealing going on quite openly in this street.

One more thing before you go, sir. I've got something that would suit a person of discernment such as your good self. It's very rare, a collector's item, in fact. There you are, sir - a photograph of a doughnut. Full colour and gloss finish. Very realistic, very detailed. Look at that icing sugar. As you are such a good customer, I can let you have it for £80, but you've got to promise not to show it to anyone under the age of 18.