Secrets of parenting.

Parenting secrets I learnt the hard way:

* Dirty nappies are not pleasant.

Dirty nappies are not pleasant at the best of times but once your baby starts eating solids they become much, much worse.

* Feeding baby is never at a convenient time.

There is rarely a “convenient” time to feed your baby there is always something in the way whether it’s the time spent heating the darn thing or finding somewhere suitable to do so.

* Your childs first word will hurt your feelings.

Your pride & joy will eventually say his first word & there’s no thanks or reward for being the one who suffered agonising pain to give him life nor for carrying him around everywhere for 9 months. His first word is most likely to be “da-da”

* Babies are strong & have a vice like grip.

This is usually discovered when your child grabs hold of your hair / earrings or necklace & will not willingly let go, noses & ears are also wonderful targets as are glasses.

* Kids love to undertake "suicide missions".

All children once they start moving embark on a wide variety of suicide missions, nothing is out of bounds from electrical sockets to heights & anything poisonous or small enough to block the windpipe.

* Mobile phones are an amazing object of fascination.

Every child has an instant magnetic attraction to phones specially mobile phones, the more easily breakable & expensive the better.

* Babies have a sixth sense.

Babies unfailingly know when you are about to be “romantic” & do what mummies & daddies do to become parents. This will be the time that hunger will set in or an insatiable need to be held & walked for hours.

* Noses should have a finger permanently inserted.

Keeping a finger out of his nose is an ongoing battle of will, it is not an easy battle to win as the attraction of presenting you with a finger with a booger dangling off the end of it is just the best experience ever.

* You will want to kill people no matter how old or ill.

You will as a mum want to kill any child that upsets yours especially those that are nasty. It doesn't matter that the culprit is 4 yrs old she was nasty to your child & you feel strong feelings of dislike. You will also go off those that don’t think your child is the bestest, most cutest child ever.

* Everyone will give you advice.

The entire world will give you advice & comment on what they would do if they were you, this sounds great at first & can even be helpful but soon unasked for advice becomes annoying to say the least specially when the advice goes against everything you believe.

* Health visitors are evil.

I’ve had 3 different health visitors & all 3 have reduced me to tears at some point. They are always on the lookout for something wrong either in your parenting or even worse with your child. They will worry you for the slightest reason not once but many, many times.

* Words can hurt.......... a lot.

Your child says for the first time “I hate you / don’t like you / go (a)way” & your heart will break. The fact it’s not truly meant & is just the childs way of expressing his emotion at the unfairness of life will not help. You will cry & the all too familiar feelings of mom inadequacy & guilt will entrench itself in your heart, never to leave again.

* Cardboard boxes make fantastic toys.

That £60 toy you scrimped & saved to buy will not be anyway near as much fun as the cardboard box it came in & then there’s the wrapping paper & bows & joy of joys sellotape. I swear I’m giving empty cardboard boxes to all the young kids I have to buy for this xmas.

* Motherhood will be..............................................

The most important, fulfilling, depressing, joyful, loving, fun, boring, messy, emotional, irritating, happy, sad, funny, unselfish, painful, wonderful, satisfying, educational & will very quickly become your raison d’etre or reason for living.