The Night Before School.

Tomorrow is my sons first day at school, "proper big boy school" as opposed to pre-school. I thought this would be easier as he's been to pre-school for over two years but I think it's worse.

I went to bed three hours ago and spent all that time lying there, brain racing with thoughts and worries like:

• Will I get up in time? he can't be late, not on his first day
• Will I remember everything he has to take?
• What if he hates his new teacher? there's only the one class for his age
• What if no-one plays with him? completely illogical he has loads of friends
• What if his teacher hates him?
• What if he gets bullied?
• How will I cope with him away from me all that time, every day?

I should be feeling excited for him, it's the first step of a brand new adventure for him, a new beginning, a new more independent life but I'm feeling dread, nervous and desperately worried. How stupid was I to waste all those years fussing with non-important stuff when I could have spent that time with him. Why did I go online / read / nap / do errands? Why didn't I just play with my son, make some more of those precious memories before he stopped being my baby boy and became my big boy?

If someone tells you those years from baby to school-age pass quickly, I know it seems like a lie specially if you have yet another night of feeds and colic to deal with but it really does go too quick.

I'm not ready for him to go to school. I know it should be the start of an adventure for him, that I should be excited for him but I'm not. I hate this whole idea, he's too young for school Damn it!
He's not even five for another two weeks. This is too soon, I'm not ready to let him go. I don't want to let him go, to let someone else influence his thinking and moral values

What if she's a secret bigot or small-minded?
What if she doesn't indulge his love of the colour pink?
Will she let him wear a pink tutu and Bob-the-builder hat as fancy dress play?
Will she gently stop him putting his hand down his trousers? (not fiddling just a comfort thing)

I'm trusting this woman I barely know with not only my sons education but his safety and happyness too. If he hates it he will still have to go there. There's no other school anywhere near and I'd get no help with transport even though I don't drive.

God, this is a nightmare. I don't want tomorrow to ever arrive.