Laughter, Tears & Anger

What was the last thing you cried about? Laughed about? Got angry about?

Crying.

The last time I truly cried, cried heart wrenching sobs, that period of time spent with tears coursing down my face & my heart breaking into a thousand tiny shards was the day I discovered my son was lonely, lonely & unhappy.

My son, my pride & joy, my reason for living & the most special, wonderful, gorgeous, caring & affectionate child I have ever known was unhappy & I did not know what to do to make it right for him.

I want my son to live a life full of joy & happiness, full of friends & success, yet not having attained that for myself means that while I know what I want for my son I do not know how to get it for him.
The guilt I feel at this tears me up at times specially when he asks for a brother or sister so he can have a playmate. This is not something that is going to happen, no matter how much I or my son wish it & the guilt at failing my son is something that always brings me to tears & I suspect always will.

Laughter.

The last time I laughed was I suspect a long time ago before all the money worries & strains & disappointments of adult, grown up life got in the way.
I am one of those people that worry & if I do not have a major worry at that particular time then I will conjure one up. The proof of this is my permenant psoriasis which can extract the joy from any situation.

If I do laugh it is usually at something my son has said, something he believes is fact using his pre-schooler logic. Something like why he wants to wear two pairs of pants at once so that the pair underneath will stay clean, the fact it is in fact dirty because it has touched his skin for 12 hours is not an issue.

Anger.

I can get angry about a wide variety of things but what really makes me angry is anything that affects or hurts my family. I cannot forgive or forget anyone or thing that upsets my family. I get angry at the people, things & situations that hurt their feelings. I feel much more than intense dislike at the causes of the hurts, I want revenge, I want to cause that person pain & hurt. I want to fight that which hurts my family & smite them (I've always wanted to use the word smite in a sentence!).
My family are caring, decent, genuine people who deserve to be liked, loved & respected & I am always angry when I think they have not been given their due.
I make no apologies for this, the anger I feel at this is all encompassing & like a mother tiger fights for her young I will fight those that upset mine.